There’s always one slightly crazy person in every election – even the recent American race had a religious fanatic who believed Jesus would return and rule his kingdom from Mississipi – but nobody does crazy like Japan does crazy, though. Previous political parties have included the Vinegar Lover’s Party, which campaigned in 1986 under the slogan ‘Drink vinegar for better health’, and candidates in next week’s election for Governor of Tokyo includes a rock star, a man who dresses as Superman during debates, and the second incarnation of Jesus, who often demands his opponents slit their bellies before he casts them into the fires of hell. Let’s take a closer look at Tokyo’s possible new leaders.
Mac Akasaka, representing the one-man Smile Party, is commonly seen (possibly illegally) soliciting votes in Tokyo’s famous Shibuya Crossing. His incoherent platform consists of a three-step plan: “1) Smile a lot, 2) ???, 3) World Peace!” This year he’s pulled out all the stops, donning a Superman costume he presumably made himself with safety scissors, non-toxic glue and his mom’s 70s-era Lycra aerobics outfits. In addition to disbanding the Self Defense Forces, Akasaka is also calling for lowering the voting age, since he’s really going to need the under-10 vote to make Prime Minister. Akasaka is not the first cosplayer to dabble in politics – Yoshihiko Noda has been spotted dressing as the Prime Minister for over a year now.
Jesus
Mitsuo Matayoshi is another perennial candidate that has failed for over a decade to find a seat in office. Also known (by Mitsuo Matayoshi) as The Only God Matayoshi Mitsuo Jesus Christ, Matayoshi must subscribe to the Old Testament, for he is an angry God indeed. While most politicians insult each other’s platforms around election season, Matayoshi is known for straight up commanding opponents to commit suicide through the ritual practice of Hara-Kiri. Ever sensitive to cultural differences, however, Matayoshi recognized the West’s lack of this ritual by directing George W. Bush to guillotine himself. Jesus Matayoshi’s plan is to become both Prime Minister of Japan and Secretary General of the UN, at which point he will purge the Earth of sinners and throw them into the fires of Gehenna. With a platform that includes the eternal damnation of all non-Christians, it’s a wonder his voter base in majority Buddhist Japan remains so small, although if he can turn water into wine, he’s got our vote hands down.
Rock ‘n Roll Samurai
TOKMA has left his day job as a musician to wander the Tokyo streets as Rock ‘n Roll Samurai, demanding votes at swordpoint. TOKMA says he decided to run for office after a song he wrote called “I Love Japan” failed to rouse the spirits of his countrymen and thought dressing like a Feudal warlord and waving a sword around at Shibuya Crossing would be more effective. Policy-wise, TOKMA insists Japan needs to rely less on the United States, wants to amend the Japanese constitution, reduce debt and possibly serenade the United Nations with a heartfelt but foot-tappingly catchy rock ballad. The Happiness Realization Party, the political branch of the Happy Science religious movement (Japan’s answer to Scientology), endorses TOKMA, who follows the official party line that China and North Korea are plotting to decimate Japan any day now with nuclear missiles. Of this list, TOKMA may stand the best chance of snagging some votes, as his legion of groupies double as convenient campaign interns.
No comments:
Post a Comment